Letter to a Lost Love
by willowwood
Summary: Xander contemplates Anyas death.


**Title:** Letter to a Lost Love  
  
**Author**: willowwood  
  
**Rating:** PG-13  
  
**Author's Notes:** Any reviews you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

**WARNING: Contains spoilers for Chosen and Entropy                      **

**Summary:** Xander contemplates Anyas death.  

   
**Email:** willowwood@postmaster.co.uk

My Dearest Anya

I AM NOT CRAZY!,although you're most likely questioning the rate of my sanity right there, what with me starting off this supposedly 'heartfelt' letter in this way - But I'm not, and I just wanted to stress that to you, before I start, even though at times I even question it myself.

In fact I haven't got the slightest idea why I'm even doing this, oh then again yeah I do it's all Willows fault, I wouldn't even have considered doing anything like this if it wasn't for her, and so I blame the redhead for me sitting in the back of a stolen school bus, as Principle Robin Wood drives us all to Iowa to collect another slayer, with a pen and notebook in hand preparing to write down all my 'inner-most' feelings. 

You see according to Willow, after Tara's death she would often write down her thoughts and feelings in a kind of diary way as though she was talking to her girlfriend and sharing with her how much she was missed and stuff, the same way she would have if she was talking to her face to face or over the phone. She said it helped her get over her grief ….of course this was after her whole 'I want to destroy the world' phraseof that said grief. 

And I know that you're never going to read, this unless of course you're some kind of ghost and are currently sitting next to me, or leaning over my shoulder reading it as I write. You know I actually just looked around the bus to see if you were some how here with me………hmm maybe I am crazy after all?? Seriously though I think all this letter writing crap is stupid, but then I figure that it wouldn't be the first, or last stupid thing I've ever done now would it??_ And so nonetheless I find myself continuing to write, after all I'm not exactly Mr Emotional, How else am I going to get all this crap out?? _

The big battle was hectic but then again, I guess you already figured that one out. Thankfully Willows spell worked like a charm though, and lucky for us, and to the relief of Andrew, Darth Rosenberg didn't make an appearance like you suggested it would - although if I recall Kennedy did mention something about her hair going white and glow……weird magical side effect I guess__

Of course there were others who died, the majority of them being potentials or ex-potentials which ever you prefer to use- and it's funny really because even with the extra strength from the spell, along with all the training we gave them, they still didn't have the ability to survive, just goes to show that Buffy's one of a kind, and yet people like me, Dawn and you had and did survive countless other apocalypses. 

Spike didn't make it either, something about the amulet Dead Boy gave Buffy the other night she said, apparently he was wearing it and at a certain time a huge light filled the cavern and the uber-vamps all went up in smoke and dust, I guess Spike followed suit what with him being a vamp to. 

I don't know all the details really; we haven't spoken about it much although what I do know is that Spike did a way better job than us at reliving every high schoolers dream. I mean we only managed to blow up the high school; Spike on the other hand completely massacred it, along with the whole town not even the Welcome Sign managed to survive, again. __

At first I didn't know whether you'd made it or not, what with the rush of getting out of Sunnydale, I mean I looked for you the best I could but I didn't see anything that I thought could be you, I guess deep down if I had of seen anything I'd never have believed my own eyes anyway, I just hoped that you'd be waiting out by the school bus or some where yelling at us all to hurry up, and then when I got there and didn't see you I thought you'd follow me out, or Buffy would get you out of there. But then the next thing I knew we were driving away, the pavement behind us caving in on itself and I knew, something wasn't right, something had gone seriously wrong.

It was Andrew who eventually told me what had gone on, and it was funny cause as he told me everything I was filled with a sudden confusion because one part of me wanted to kill him, for being in trouble and needing your help so badly that you got yourself killed, as tears streamed down my face, and another part of me was so proud at you for doing that, dying to save someone else especially as when I first met you I new you wouldn't even have considered doing something like that.

Do you remember?? One of the first times I spoke to you, you were begging me to leave town with you so that we'd both survive graduation, and me being the heroic idiot that I am turned you down to be with my friends, huh funny really cause if you'd have said the same to me this time, I might not have thought twice about running away with you. At least that way you'd have survived and we would still have the chance to be together again.

The other day we had a ceremony kind of thing to remember everyone who didn't make it. Willow did this special Wicca burial thing that Tara had taught her, then we all had a minutes silence, and even though there were others that died and I had known all of them, I couldn't help but just think of you. Do you remember when we were talking about Buffy being in heaven, and Tara told us that there were countless heavenly dimensions? I always find myself wondering which one you're in.

I guess I understand why you did it you know. I remember the conversation we had about you being a 'Nobody', but to me you never were a nobody, to me you were Anya, Anyanka and whatever your name was before you ever became a vengeance demon. But most importantly you were the girl I fell in love with, the girl I will probably love for the rest of my life.

You see, you never had to prove anything to me, and I know you'd insist that you weren't trying to but I know you'd be lying. Because any other time you would have taken off at the first sign of trouble just like you did before. In a way I wish you had of taken off, that way this would never have happened and I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. 

It's hard to believe that an eleven hundred plus vengeance demon, would suffer such a simple fate like that.

I hope it didn't hurt……ok well that's stupid cause I guess it had to hurt, what I really mean is that I hope it didn't hurt to much, that it wasn't that bad. I don't think I could bear to think of you having to go through such pain. 

Huh how ironic is that?? Especially as I'm the one who probably, caused you the worst amount of pain you ever experience as a human being.

Ha, wondered when I'd get around to this-guess it had to happen sooner or later huh? I know I never really apologised for me dropping out of the wedding at the last minute, and I know it's too late for me to be doing it now but I am you know……….sorry I mean.

It's just that for 21 years I've lived with my parents, and honestly I can't remember a single day without having to listen to them arguing and bickering with one another, over the stupidest of things, and I wish I could have told you this before, that I'm petrified of the same thing happening to us. Of our kids having to go through the same kind of thing, the demons visions just made me feel even worse, than I already did.

I never told you this but there was one where I even killed you, I was that angry at something you'd said, and I hated myself for it, even thought I knew for a fact that it wasn't real.

I realise I should have said something to you about this way before the wedding was even planned, but the problem was I knew it'd break your heart and I couldn't bare that. After all it was supposed to be your big day, the one where all eyes were focused on you. 

The one every girl dreams of right??

Then when I saw you and Spike together on Willows laptop I'd wanted to kill you both-thankfully I just consoled myself with beating on Spike a bit,……..so he wasn't entirely the one to blame-but it was either that or me destroying the entire contents of your shop and then knocking myself out with a mass amount of alcohol consumption, not that I didn't do that anyway. But you know what else did you honestly expect??

But when it all boils down to it, I guess I deserved just as much, after all it could have been a lot worse-you could have eviscerated me, or boiled me alive, you did have your vengeance powers back then - for all I know you might have wanted to, hell you might have even tried to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that deep down I understand why you did it-even though  at the time I did a lot of shouting and wigging out about it.

Nevertheless whilst my mouth was saying 'how could you let an evil soulless thing touch you' my brain was thinking it should have been me, with you on that table, touching you, making you feel better, wanted, loved, wiping away your tears.

Me Instead Of Him.

            Him, the ever confidant Spike the strong chipped, and soulful vampire. Spike who could woe every girl in the world and even had the slayer jumping in bed with him at his beck and call. The vampire who comforted you, and would always be able to do a better job at everything than me, no wonder you went with him, the first chance you got.   

Because you see even after all of that I still loved you with all my soul and that 'one last goodbye' sex we had would have never been enough. Only problem was when you were standing there in front of me with that flawless body, and beautiful brown eyes I was too chicken to spit it all out, because I was petrified that you'd throw it all in my face, simply laugh it away right there.

And so I kept thinking to myself 'I'll do it another day, we've got plenty of time'. How wrong could I be?? And now it's too late-but you never know maybe I'll see you sooner than we think, after all living with the slayer kind of puts down your life expectancy a little doesn't it.

Maybe one day soon I'll be able to say the words; you've needed to hear for such a very long time.

I love you Anya

Always Xander


End file.
